Yoshi Infiltrates the IRS's Mother Computer and Other Short Stories
by Haiderhammer2
Summary: When the IRS does a full scan of Yoshi for tax-fraud, his whole life may be in danger! Join Yoshi as he tries to stop the scan on him and possibly save the multiverse!(jk on those last five words lol) Also, other stories!
1. Yoshi and the IRS's Mother Computer

Yoshi Infiltrates the IRS's Mother Computer - A Silly Story that Probably Shouldn't Exist

Note: This story is based on a meme about Yoshi being wanted for tax fraud. Kamek is Yoshi's archnemesis in the games.

Yoshi once worked for the IRS. As strange as it sounds, it's true. It's not really as absurd as the time he time-traveled to the past to stop meteors from crashing down onto Earth and leaving most of dinosaur-kind extinct, but that's a story for another time.

Ha. Time. That powerful and priceless stuff that you're losing out on by reading this junk.

Anyway, Yoshi was a leading officer in the struggle to capture those committing tax fraud. Many figures no one could have guessed were breaking the law were exposed by his hand. Mr. Krabs, Death Eaters, Bling-Bling Boy - even one of his closest friends, real estate tycoon Barney the dinosaur, was taken into custody because of him. It was an age of safety in those days. What no one knew was that this was all done to keep Yoshi off the IRS's watchlist.

But that ploy would soon fall apart.

It was another typical day in the IRS department for the gluttonous dinosaur. He was on the job, doing whatever the IRS does when the cookie phone rang. A ringtone to the tune of "The Flower Garden" OST filled the air, and with a casual swipe Yoshi picked up the phone. "Yoshi?" he said, which roughly translated to "Hello, you have reached the IRS department, what can we do for you today?" in English.

What sounded like a painful facepalm came from the other side. "Cut the formality, Yoshi," said the caller. "You're in deep waters right now."

Yoshi's face turned a shade of blue. No. This couldn't be what he thought it was. "Wa?" he asked, meaning, "Codename Omae Wa Mou Shindeiru, surely you cannot be referring to signal aurum?"

"I am," came the reply. A chill went down Yoshi's back - somehow, he was now the next target in the IRS's tax fraud radar. All those years of working for them in order to hide his misuse of assets were going to waste.

There was only one way out of such a mess, hijacking the mother computer to read the results of whether Yoshi had committed tax fraud as negative. Failure would lead to his arrest and subsequently many years in prison. Of course, he could always just turn in his taxes like a good boy and everything would be resolved, but unlike the Joker, Yoshi wasn't a chicken in that regard. Shameful that such a crook was crazy enough to take on the Batman, but said "no, thank you" to the IRS.

"Yoshi Yoshi Yoshi Yo," Yoshi said as he ate his phone. It translated to "This is unacceptable. My deeds cannot be undone. One path remains and it is cruel and twisted, yet persevere I shall, for compulsion demands such. Au Revoir, bless you for the tip, and Feliz Navidad my son." And he got up, excused himself, and made his way to the mother computer.

For clarification, Yoshi doesn't have a son. And it was the middle of May.

Going through a hallway, up a long flight of stairs, into the babysitting room to smack Baby Bowser a few times for harassing him earlier by using him as a donkey, and then back into another hallway, he reached the door to the room where the mother computer was stored. "Room Where the Mother Computer is Stored," the plaque next to the door read, with a petition underneath calling for a change in the name of the room. Yoshi went in.

Having never seen the room before, he was amazed at what he saw. A widescreen tv was the highlight of the room, the game known as "Protectors of Area 51" being played on it. "Hah! Got seven of the naruto runners!" One of the guys sitting on a nearby couch said, grabbing some nachos from a plate while laughing with his friends.

Yoshi left the room and checked the plaque again, then noticed the door on the other side. His head turned slowly to another plaque that was only beside the door he entered. "Recreational Room," it read. Whoops. How mildly infuriating. Noting to himself that he ought to complain about the plague for the mother computer room being between the actual room and the recreational room - why did the IRS have one of those? - he entered through the correct door this time.

A huge computer screen and many flashy buttons and other stuff greeted him, wires and cords wrapping around the room. On the screen was a window downloading data about Yoshi, with the progress bar on ninety-six percent. This was it. Yoshi took a moment to lay an egg, out of which popped out a disc meant to hack devices for situations of such a magnitude such as this one. He would have preferred to have thrown up the disc just like a certain penguin of Madagascar, but this also worked.

He put the disc into the system. A new software popped up, and he imputed some commands into it. The software immediately got to work on corrupting his statistics so that he would be found innocent of tax fraud. Good.

Suddenly the door opened and a coffee cup shattered on the floor. Behind Yoshi was a thunderstruck Kirby, his eyes twitching. "Poyo?!" he yelled.

Yoshi faced Kirby, a grim smirk caressing his face. "Yoshi," he said with a laugh, yanking him into the room and closing the door.

"Poyo poyo poyo!" Kirby said, trying to reach for the handle but getting his short stubby arms smacked back by Yoshi's tongue.

Yoshi wagged a finger. "Yoshi Yoshi," he said, before taking out Kirby with a hard slap on his round body using his tail. A nap time cap appeared out of nowhere on Kirby's head. With him having witnessed Yoshi's deception, however, his cover was as good as blown now. He had to get out of here fast.

By the way, for those of you who need translations, Yoshi and Kirby were literally just saying "Poyo" and "Yoshi", respectively.

A ding went off as the mother computer completed its download, showing a false profile of Yoshi. Tax fraud evasion complete! Now he just had to leave this joint and go into hiding. He'd have a criminal charge for sure considering what he did to Kirby (and probably one for child abuse after having smacked Baby Bowser), but maybe his taxes would at least be safe. Just in case, he took out the disc he installed into the computer.

Yoshi opened the door and ran into Kamek.

Kamek faked a dramatic gasp that really sounded more like a long, whiny scream. "IS YOU!" he said at the top of his lungs, then coughed loudly as he took his inhaler. "You smacked my kid! And messed with the mother computer! I bet you knew about the investigation we made on you and tried to hide your tax evasions!"

Unfortunately, Kamek was a top-ranking officer in the IRS, well above Yoshi. This was big trouble.

Yoshi stared at him, then took notice of the wand in his hand. Magic. That would be a tremendous boon in covering up his tax fraud and assaults. "Yoshi?" he asked. In other words, "Is this the part where we fight?" Kamek nodded, being fluent in the tongue of Yoshis (along with Hebrew and Pinguish).

"Yoshi," Yoshi then said, reaching out his hand. Translated to English, this meant, "Well, I profusely apologize for my criminatory record and tax evasions, yet the latter composes so much of me that if this was JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, it would be my stand, or it'd be my persona in the Persona series, or otherwise my spirit animal self. I pray that your son grows up to be chivalrous, respectful, and overall goodly in all manners such that he would be deserving of the inheritance of a kingdom with - ah, you catch my drift. If a battle we must have, as is compulsory according to our opposing alignments and ideals, then it is with an imperative that I declare, may the best reptile win. Shall we shake on it?" And that was just the shortened edition.

Kamek looked at Yoshi's green hand and extended a hand as well, the one holding the wand. And as they shook hands, Yoshi used his free hand to steal his glasses.

"My wand!" Kamek yelled, pulling out his inhaler in case he needed it. "You took my… wait. You took my glasses. Why would you take my-"

And just like that, Kamek was knocked unconscious, his forehead unable to resist the mighty attack Yoshi created by whacking him with his own glasses. He promptly snatched the wand, just as the door to the recreational room opened up. "Hey! What's going on here, we could hear the ruckus over our game!" A voice called out.

A person stepped out and gasped, rubbing his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing things. "Great Scott, everyone, Kamek's gone rogue!" he yelled out. His buddies ran out, shocked to find a grinning "Kamek" holding his wand and a pair of broken glasses, standing over a crumpled "Yoshi" lying on the floor. In the time it took for them to come into the hallway, Yoshi had already made up and put into motion a cunning plan to save himself once and for all from being chased by the government for tax fraud. Posing himself as Kamek and vice versa using the wand was the beginning. He was also casting a spell to corrupt any camera footage of himself as Kamek and, again, vice versa.

He quickly warped out of the hall and into a closet as the four guys tried to stop him, then conjured another spell affecting the mother computer. Yoshi's data now appeared to be blatantly forged to show him as positive for tax evasion, giving the impression that Kamek had tried to frame Yoshi. The old wizard always did act harsh towards him, so this would seem reasonable to everyone else. He also erased many jail cell bars out of existence, allowing prisoners who were imprisoned for tax fraud to run free.

To top it off, he warped back to the babysitting room and shot a blast of magic at Baby Bowser, turning him into a giant monster and destroying much of the IRS building in the process. Screams flew everywhere as rubble crashed everywhere and people were injured. He had the real Kamek, still appearing as a fallen Yoshi, teleported out of the building and left him next to a large piece of concrete that fell from the building. Enchanting the eyes of all witnesses, be it living, cameras, or the Illuminati, he then let the spell making the real Kamek look like Yoshi wear off and disappeared into thin air with a cackle.

"So that's what you've been doing," Mr. Monopoly, head of the Association of Tax Payment Refusal (an underground group of old rich people who indulged in tax evasion), said to Yoshi. The green dinosaur nodded. "Very, very sly of you, brother in scamming the government of revenue. You've appeared to us like a betrayer, a rogue brethren out to dissolve us, but now I know you had more devious intentions. Now that your days of selling us out are over, our strength will increase twofold. I welcome you back on behalf of the ATPR. I really hate that acronym."

"Thank you," Yoshi said in English with an Australian accent. It translated to "Yoshi pwang huh coocoohoo Yoshi haaay pwooh Yoshi hah" in the language of Yoshis. The two embraced each other.

"Your level of ingenious will keep the association thriving," Mr. Monopoly continued, pulling out a community chest card that gave the player a hundred dollars from income tax refund and fiddling with it between his fingers. "We are glad to have you on the team again. Now, how about a game of golf?"

Yoshi accepted with a grin. The two of them brought out a 3DS and started playing some "Mario Golf: World Tour".

Some months, Kamek's life was obliterated.

When the police came, the IRS building was in shambles. Barely anything left, and plenty of casualties too. Baby Bowser himself was only subdued once the magical department was sent out to deal with him. Authorities found Kamek groaning on the pavement, his wand a good distance away. As Yoshi's trickery had worked its magic, pun intended, Kamek was quickly tried for his "crimes" and sentenced to death row, with no one believing the wizard's plea that Yoshi was the villain responsible for everything that happened. In fact, everyone was under the impression that Kamek had killed the dinosaur or banished him, and throughout the land, he was mourned as if it was the Spiderman who died.

Of course, the worst part of death row was that you never got executed until many years later. Torture upon torture. Yet it gave Kamek a chance to perhaps one day escape and exact his revenge.

"That Yoshi," Kamek gritted under his teeth, "took everything away from me. My life, my job, my child - he won't survive under foster care! That dinosaur will pay. He'll pay! HE WILL PAAAAAY!" And he took his inhaler, nearly choking on his excessive coughing.


	2. Silver Renders Everything Useless

Silver the Hedgehog Renders Everything Useless - A Silly Story That Probably Shouldn't Exist

_Note: Silver the Hedgehog is known in Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 as a broken boss that could softlock Sonic by repeatedly throwing him with psychic powers against a barrier and having him drop his rings only for him to recollect a ring, which prevents Sonic from losing a life. Silver then immediately rinses and repeats, keeping him stuck. Each time he did this, he'd yell "It's no use!" Silver is a psychic time traveler who canonically is trying to save his ruined future within the past._

When Silver the Hedgehog came out of the Matrix - no, not that one from the movie - his head was horribly clouded, but to him, everything seemed crystal clear: to save his wretched future, he needed to repair the past. And now he knew exactly how to do that.

The hedgehog cackled, taking out his chaos emerald and activating chaos control. In an instant, he was sent back in time.

In the present, Sonic was marveling at the paint job Tails had done on the Tornado, their personal airplane, for his birthday. "Though honestly, Tails," he asked, "Was it necessary to have me enter the giant gift box you surrounded the Tornado with instead of just opening it? You know, Silver would make some puns on the word 'present' right now if he was, uh, present." His palm covered his mentally hurt forehead - yet another horrible joke having to do with puns. Almost as bad as that one he had to say for his agent Sega Inc. in Sonic Lost World. To maintain the peace, that one pun from that one game was not inserted into this paragraph.

"Well, it is what it is," Tails said. "Let's just get the plane out of the box." He clicked a button on his remote. Nothing happened. He clicked another button. Still nothing.

"Ah-haha." Tails awkwardly scratched his head. "Wrong remote. Don't remember what this one was for." Elsewhere in the workshop, one of Tail's prototype robots activated. It was meant to be a search and retrieve bot that currently located chili dogs, though there was a bug. The robot quietly left the workshop and flew off, and ever since any chill dogs that were particularly in the open seas were unsafe.

Tails finally got the remote to open up the giant present, then worked with Sonic to bring it out. "Looks better out here in the sunlight," remarked the blue blur with a grin. "Thanks again, Tails. Happy fifteenth birthday to me."

Tails scratched his head. Fifteen? "I thought you turned fifteen last year. Come to think of it, didn't you say you got that old the year before that?"

"Tails, Tails." Sonic wagged a finger at the young fox. "I thought you of all people would understand immortality - remember the original games, the ones where the second player kept respawning after death? You, in other words?"

"Those were the games, though. What about you?"

"I saw Ho-oh." Sonic laughed when Tails made a funny face. "No, I don't have Ash Ketchum Syndrome, not necessarily, but I can't age unless the plot demands it. You understand, right?"

"I guess."

Sonic chuckled a little more when he suddenly flew into the air and then crashed to the ground with a thud. Above him appeared the figure of Silver, nastily smirking. "I found you, fake-" he hollered, then covered his mouth. "No wait, wrong line. Think I just referenced something."

"Uh," said Sonic, "you want me to say 'Faker? You're the fake around here, you're not even good enough to-"

"SHUT YOUR THOUGHTS UP, USEFUL TRIGGER!" Silver yelled, forcing Sonic's mouth to close with his psychic powers. Sonic was taken aback by Silver's outburst. Was something wrong?

Silver played with his emerald, tossing it high into the air and then mentally yanking it back from Eggman, who had tried to steal it in his Egg Carrier. Eggman cursed before being flung all the way to the Death Star, where he was promptly arrested for copyright infringement. Darth Sidious would not tolerate the mustachioed man's attempt to pass off his identical weapon of a death fortress by changing the name and outward design - he already showed Shredder and Krang their place when it came to their Technodome.

But back to the main story.

"I sense confusion within your vile heart. Allow me to explain," sneered Silver, clutching the emerald tightly now (and nearly breaking his bones by doing so). "I have learned the truth about how to protect my future permanently. Something has always gone wrong in the past that keeps messing it up. Who's at fault? _All of you._"

"Wha- all of us?" Sonic said, bewildered. Silver sounded like he was mad.

"You're incompetent at keeping the world safe. It's not your fault, no no, but to hold the world on your shoulders with just your friends won't work. There'll always be something you cannot fight or be ready for since the wrongdoers sprout everywhere like weeds, so I'm taking matters into my own hands. I will subdue your silly world and usher in a reign of world-lasting harmony. Evil will be eradicated once and for all!"

Silver dropped the blue hedgehog without chest fur, an abhorrent trait of his amongst hedgehog kind. "Just one kink. I realize that you'll disagree with my ways and try to foil me-"

Sonic clenched his fists. "I don't know what's gotten into you, but… I will join you," he said.

Silver flinched. "Wait, what?" he said before being attacked by multiple spin dashes to the face. With a grunt he stopped time for a moment using chaos control, allowing him to safely hold the speeding hedgehog (who now had a ticket in hand to match) in place when time started moving again.

"Pfft," came out of his mouth. "Pitiful lie. But it's no use!" Sonic suddenly felt weak, the world flashing before him as his muscles went as limp as they while in a psychic hold. Which really meant they weren't limp, but I'm a millennial and too lazy to edit that out. That's what you get for reading this.

"Silly blue hedgehog. Your will to stop me cannot compare to my Useful Negation technique, passed down to me by my little sister-"

"You have a sis- scratch that, you have a family?"

Silver hung his hand. "No, not really, I've been hallucinating recently. Please help me, I'm under the brainwashing of some evil triangle that seeks dominance over the spacetime continuum, thank you for shopping at Meijer's."

Sonic didn't know what to make of this. Meijer existed in the ruined future?

"NOW TAKE THIS!" Silver shouted, slashing at Sonic's neck with a sword made of chaos energy, temporarily formed by his emerald.

Sonic frowned. "Dude, I don't have a neck."

Silver puckered his lips, sniffed agitatedly, and poked Sonic with the sword. A flood of rings temporarily covered the world, disappearing after a while. Silver poked Sonic again and he fell to the ground. Dead.

Silver turned to a clapping Tails, who had a bag of popcorn. "Good fanfic so far," he commented. Silver threw him into next year, literally.

"Drop the gun, Shadow," he then said, sensing another emerald and through it the presence of an armed individual. "This 'good fanfic' can't have a tainted rating." Shadow rolled his eyes, then turned the gun into a Swiss roll and ate it. It had lots of iron. Sonic twitched at the horrible pun, and Silver poked him harder this time to make sure he stayed dead. He then turned back to the other hedgehog.

"Shadow!" he said.

"Silver!" Shadow said, walking towards him.

Silver smirked. "Oh? You're approaching me? Instead of running away, you are coming, right to me? Even though you have seen what my newfound powers have done to that Useful Trigger, the only one who ever had a chance at stopping me?"

"I cannot beat the uselessness out of you without coming- wait, that anime exists in your time?"

Silver rolled his eyes and chucked Tails' airplane at him, crushing the black hedgehog. "Yes. Yes it does. I'd try to make a reference here but I don't see how I'd pull it off properly." He got on top of the plane triumphantly. "Now, how about I remove the usefulness in you if there's any left to get rid of?"

Suddenly he tensed, then stood rigid. _Nani? I cannot move, _he thought, before the truth hit him harder than a flying road roller. _No! Impossible! Time has stopped around me!_

"Idiot." Shadow was beside Silver, arms crossed, chaos emerald in hand, and jamming to his theme song from his own game. "Your chaos is great, but I too can control time with my own."

Silver was terrified, but then sadistic pleasure swept over him (though it didn't show on his immobile facial body parts). _It's no use, _he thought, and suddenly the music sounded discordant, as if someone was attempting to play it on a flute and absolutely slayed it. In a bad way.

Shadow screamed, falling to his knees as time was no longer stopped. "No! The song - it's ruined! The memes prevent this edgelord from winning now, it's over!"

Silver was now behind Shadow, laughing maniacally. "You cannot out-Jojoke me!" he said. "Adding anime to this fanfic has shredded the rating, but no matter, so long as no one tries to Google it-"

"GOOGLE EXISTS?" Shadow's last words before getting the "It's no use!" treatment himself.

Silver shook his head at the fallen body beside him, then directly broke the fourth wall. "For the sake of the readers, just a tidbit: when the hero's theme song plays in Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, the villain was already dead. One hundred percent guaranteed. Shame that my Useful Negation technique functions as a Uno Reverse card in such a predicament, eh Shadow?"

Someone clapped to his rear. Silver gasped as he beheld the form of Dio Brando, a vampire who was slain by such a song. "Indeed, Silver," he spoke, "if I had known how to counter that music, I would have defeated my enemy Jotaro. But nevermind that. I have seen your powers, and I come to claim you as my adopted son."

This shocked Silver. Dio Brando, who too could stop time and was master of the Muda (Japanese for useless), was going to be his daddy?

"It's no use having you be my dad, blood leecher, so take this," he said, punching Dio in the head. Being a vampire, he was immediately destroyed by coming into contact with silver.

With no more enemies around, he threw multiple "It's no use!" phrases at the universe, and it crumpled, bending to his will. There. Everything was useless. Silver's goals were completed. He smiled, happy to now be able to relax.

Wait a minute. In order to truly ensure harmony, he had to make himself completely useless too. Otherwise, his powers would make himself a dictator! "It's no use," Silver muttered to himself.

Suddenly everything was back to normal. He looked around frantically, then recognized his surroundings as his future. Except it was beautiful. Green hills, tweeting birds, blue skies-

"Oh." Now it made sense. Silver was the one who destroyed the future, of course! That was why that strange triangle - what was his name? Bill Cipher? - told him to do what he did in the matrix.

"THAT WASN'T WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO, KID!" yelled a floaty yellow triangle with one eye, a top hat, and a cane who hailed from the second dimension. Silver faced the demonic entity and tilted his head.

The nonphysical triangle who called himself Bill Cipher slapped his eyeball. It hurt him. "You were supposed to nullify everything useless to liberate the world, but not you! You were holding it all up, and now look what you made! It's even WORSE of a mess!"

Silver put a finger on his chin. "Sooooo," he asked, "you're telling me that what I did was… wrong?" The triangle nodded glaringly.

"I see." Silver took a moment to process that, then walked away with a shake of his head. He believed he did the right thing by saving the future from himself in paradoxical fashion. Time travel made no sense anyway.

"HEY!" the triangle was at this point steaming. "YOU CANNOT WALK AWAY FROM OUR DEAL LIKE THAT! GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!"

"Why should I?" Silver said without even changing his pace. "This world is beautiful and orderly. It's no use to let the future be whatever you think it should be." Unintentionally, the emerald the Silver still had fired beams of chaos at Bill Cipher at that moment in reaction to Silver's resolved feelings, disintegrating him from the spacetime continuum. Silver turned around, confused, then shrugged. Better this way. He went home to his now existent family, opened up Google Chrome on what apparently was his laptop in this future to watch some outdated anime, and called his local Meijer's about getting a part-time job.

Meanwhile, in the present, the chili dog locating robot pondered about how it still existed since the timeline was reset past the point where Silver first entered the present, but then remembered that it wasn't sentiment and resumed its duties finding a chili dog somewhere out at sea. Nothing had turned up on the scanner, but any day now.


	3. Teletubbies go to Bring Back the Sun

4 Teletubbie Agents Go on a Mission to Bring Back the Sun - a Silly Story That Probably Shouldn't Exist

_**WARNING: Much of this story contains too many references and memes.**_

Over the hills and far away, Genghis Khan took in the beautiful scenery of rolling hills, green pastures, and the strange, alien-like beings that inhabited it. In turn, they paused their frolicking and playful chattering, turning slowly to meet the conqueror's face. "Uh oh," they said.

"We're turning back, men," Khan announced, retreating without a second thought. None of his men disagreed with nor condemned this, spurring their horses back to China in absolute terror and fear. When one of the strange beings called out to them in Brazilian, a language they obviously didn't understand on account of them being from the past and Brazilian not being invented in their time, they activated the Ludicrous Speed option on their mechanical horses. Sure, they went to plaid, suffered the side-effects of having their brains go into their feet, nearly froze to death, were unable to breath temporarily in space, and (on top of all that) overshot all the way to the planet Tatooine, but it was worth the trouble.

Those strange beings that the Mogul army had retreated from were known as teletubbies. A beautiful, peaceful race full of joy, laughter, and childish mirth, with their cute black eyes, their magical antenna on the top of their heads, and a belly screen that magically showed pictures on their bellies. They lived in Teletubbie Land, a paradise with Tubbie Custard in abundance and magic weaving the land. And high up in the sky, the baby sun giggled, watching the teletubbies run around and have unbridled fun in delight.

Until it suddenly disappeared. The moon saw this and cracked in half, gasping in surprise (and in tremendous pain). The other half was conveniently then blown up by ARK Space Colony. Without their sun to light their world, Teletubbie Land was snuffed into complete darkness. The teletubbies stopped playing, looking around wildly and then crying, not sure where they were now.

Demons sprouted everywhere, rejoicing at the destruction of the once happy world and further plunging its inhabitants into despair. This wasn't a mass murder that occurred - it was a mass deprivation of their right to feel joy, a law inscribed as Rule No. 3122 of the Teletubbie Land Regulations, established long, long ago. Yes, teletubbies have laws.

In the midst of all this chaos (Jevil especially had some fun despite not really harming the teletubbies whatsoever) a select few group of teletubbies, known as Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, La-La, and Po, suddenly found themselves somehow in a well-lit room. What looked like a blue robot vacuum cleaner with eyeballs approached them with a laser pen, making slurping noises.

"Noo-Noo?" they said. Noo-Noo flashed the laser into their retinas, blinding them momentarily. Once they could see again, see they did. And awe crept into their hearts.

"This… this intelligence," the green one murmured. "I've never felt anything like this before. Such great complexity."

The blue one straightened himself up, frowning for once in his life. "Nay, you have, but your body is in shock. As are ours. Rise, brothers, we return to this world." The others rose, looking around in confusion (the yellow one reminded the blue one that _she_ was a girl) and then locking their gazes on Noo-Noo. The vacuum nodded, then turned into a mechanical teletubbie made of light blue metal with red glowing eyes, the soundbyte of a Transformer changing its form accompanying the transformation.

"Metal Sonic?!" the red one said, retreating.

Noo-Noo slapped himself. "Every time!" he yelled with a metallic undertone in his robotic voice. "Not once have I summoned your spirits here except that YOU have to call me something I clearly am not! How do you even know that franchise? No, how _did_ you know of it? Time gets confusing for me at this point."

"Sorry," the red one said. "Have croissants been invented yet?"

Noo-Noo nearly slapped himself again, then thought better of it and slapped the red teletubbie. Luckily the robot had rolled a critical failure, making the attack non-lethal. "Now look," he droned, "You know who you are."

"The ancestor-guardian agents of Teletubbie Land, past, present, future," the possessed teletubbies recited from the top of their borrowed heads, "They who appear through their progeny when the world needs their aid, summoned by the supreme overseer appointed from long ago to bring their spirits to flesh."

"Good. Now recite your codenames for this session."

The blue Teletubbie nodded. "Here I am Lying Wink."

The green one frowned. "Nacho Dip."

The yellow one sighed. "La Fiesta."

The red one giggled. "Dragon Warrior." Somewhere in China, a panda gasped as he got out of bed.

"How many pop culture references and timeline distortions are you capable of again?" Noo-Noo groaned. "My memory chip holds no such file."

"About how a file for your nails?" Dragon Warrior said. Noo-Noo proceeded to form a short simulation in his computer-brain where he drowned the red Teletubbie gleefully.

"Attention!" He outwardly told them. The teletubbie spirits reborn awkwardly tried to form a straight row. Nacho Dip had found a Doritos chip on the floor and ate it, leading to some confused side glances. Noo-Noo sighed. This would be a lengthy explanation.

He informed the team of four of the theft of their sun ("Not the sun!" La Fiesta whimpered), stolen by a horrible cult known as The Pangs of Pain. They were made of twisted, rebellious teletubbies who lived in a dark land far off from Teletubbie Land. Dragon Warrior got a mouthful of Flex Tape to keep his lips shut when he dared make a Lion King reference that will not be specified.  
Lying Wink raised his head in recognition. "The Pangs of Pain," he recounted, "a group of teletubbies in black and white, with soul-crushing powers exchanged for their own misery and wisdom to demonhood; the nightmare fuel that plagues our land. Founded by a dissenting teletubbie who grew to hate the unrelenting happiness and pleasurement of our world and was banished for his subsequent attempts to turn our world into one much like the humans who lived beyond: corrupt, cruel, industrialized, monotone, and so on." He shuddered to think of what such a future could have been. The teletubbies in ties and suits vying for power over Teletubbie Land without even knowing so much as its own rules and laws! Politicians were the worst, period.

Noo-Noo gave a thumbs up to Lying Wink. "Good that you remember," he said. "But to the present. For some time, the current iteration of that cult stuck to sending out horrible propaganda to the masses of humans beyond, convincing them that we are devilish, empty murderers with crowbars who carry out the bidding of an evil sun god, our peaceful world an illusion to cover up our true evil."

"Accursed rejects," Nacho Dip hissed.

"How'd that fare?" La Fiesta quivered.

Noo-Noo shrugged. "The humans made memes out of them. No one takes anything too seriously on the internet. To them, it's a joke."

The teletubbies tilted their heads in confusion. Dragon Warrior gestured for permission to explain what the internet was, and Noo-Noo took off the Flex Tape just for the occasion. After explaining, the others were wide-eyed. Enlightenment had dawned upon them.

"Again," Noo-Noo said, readjusting the Flex Tape on Dragon Warrior's mouth, "the Pangs of Pain have taken a new bizarre course this day - they took our sun, throwing our land into eternal darkness and changing it into a playground for truly demonic entities."

"Amm Jemmum," Dragon Warrior said with tape on his mouth.

Noo-Noo rolled his robotic eyes. "Yes. Jevil. Don't know why he's here." He slammed his foot down, crushing the secret community of tiny turnip executors that lived there. "But ENOUGH. I have summoned you here because of the sun theft. Our sun is needed to keep our land bathed in the light of peace, and I fear that our land being devastated the way it is will only be the beginning. Oh, and we'll lose revenue for our program with Nick Jr."

Nacho Dip exploded. "WHAT?" he yelled. "HOW DIABOLICAL!"

"We don't use money," La Fiesta naively pointed out.

"You don't. _I _do," Noo-Noo told them. "It's a necessity to keep some things running as they always and to preserve the balance. Also, I like donuts."

"You eat?" La Fiesta said.

Noo-Noo pointed to the ghostly police officers standing by in another part of the room. "Keeps them pleased, keeps me pleased, we will not further touch upon this topic. For John Cena's sake, please, cooperate with me. I need you four to bring back the sun. We can't banish the demons otherwise, or rather, this is the quickest and easiest way to do so. This will require a trek to the dark lands the Pangs of Pain inhabit. I have found that the sun is located deep in the forest there, in one of their outposts. Find it, save our sun, and then we'll come back and ravage those miscreants. We've let them loiter there for too long." Which was a double crime since Rule No. 6743 of the Teletubbie Land Regulations condemned loitering in the dark lands and was punishable by being Gorilla Glue'd to the very spot the offender was loitering in, causing him or her to go AFK and get kicked from the server. In other words, a nonexistence sentence.

Noo-Noo clicked a few buttons on a microwave. Out came a warp star, collected from the Kirby franchise. (Actually, it was bought for around five thousand bucks on eBay, but don't tell Noo-Noo that I mentioned that or I'll be evicted from Teletubbie Land. Please spare me.) "Your ride," he said. "Once you're in, you're on your own. Best of luck, and happy National Parade Day."

"THEY TOOK OVER ON NATIONAL PARADE DAY?!1!1!1!" Nacho Dip fumed. "Ohohoho. Their necks. I'll wring them all, I'll wring EVERY LAST-"

"And this is why we had to put you on probation," Lying Wink interrupted, covering Nacho Dap's mouth. He briefly eyed Noo-Noo. "One question, do forgive me for its irrelevance." Noo-Noo sighed and let him ask.

"Who is John Cena and why is a human here at this time?"

"Some kind of wrestler from WWE, I don't know. He's here for a vacation."

Dragon Warrior snorted. _Should've gone to Disneyland,_ he thought as the warp star shot them out of the lair and into the void sky.

They landed in a badly lit, dead-looking forest (it was still brighter than Teletubbie Land at the moment). Dragon Warrior ripped off the Flex Tape, letting out childish screams of pain as he nearly shaved his lips off. He threw the wad of tape in the nearest poisonous lake, where the skeleton of a baseball player jumped out and caught it in midair. "Foul Ball!" he yelled before being dragged underneath again by a zombie fish resembling the ones found in the arcade game Balloon Trip.

"All right, brothers," Lying Wink said (while getting elbowed by La Fiesta; _she _was starting to get annoyed by Lying Wink's habit of calling all of them 'brothers'), "This is it. Somewhere around here is the outpost holding our beloved sun. Where, we know not-"

A scarecrow jumped out at them. "Follow the yellow brick road!"

A lion did the same. "Follow the yellow brick road!"

A metal man followed suit. "Follow the yellow brick road!"

A witch flew over on a broomstick, cradling a little dog in her arm. "The yellow brick road…" she whispered, and off she went, the other three figures running away as well. The teletubbies looked at their feet and realized that indeed they were standing on a yellow brick road that bounded forward, curving here and there. At the end of the path was a Pillager Outpost, and behind it was the actual outpost of The Pangs of Pain.

"Guess that works," Nacho Dip sneered. "Okay, then, let's get ready to do this. We'll show those creeps the real superpower of teamwork!" In the Sonic franchise, the actual Metal Sonic clutched his head. Someone made a reference to a cheesy line said by his loathsome copy before beating him up with friendship! And chaos emeralds, mostly the emeralds.

Dragon Warrior scratched his head, looking up at the sky briefly. Dorothy became a witch? And one with a black dog to boot. Black cats must be out of style.

The team didn't get very far before an owl approached them, nibbling playfully on La Fiesta's fingers. "Aw, he likes me," she purred. The owl cocked _her_ head in annoyance, then suddenly gave each of the teletubbies a slap on the face.

When the teletubbies got up, they felt a disturbance in the air. The owl was missing. "I know this feeling…" Lying Wink said, slowing turning to his comrades. He gulped. "Comrades, beware. I sense that a possession spell was used. Someone here is possessed by an owl."

"Who?" Nacho Dip asked.

"That's the thing, we don't-" Lying Wink did a double-take, his face petrified in wholesome agony. Nacho Dip was beaten up by La Fiesta and Dragon Warrior for a little while, having caught on just as quickly but not being as stunned. In the meantime, Lying Wink conjured up an exorcism book, rifling through the pages, then muttering angrily to himself in German and throwing it in the lake. Many ghosts flew out of there with suitcases and relocated to Davy Jones's Locker.

Lying Wink couldn't use exorcism to remove owls from someone's body, unfortunately. So he and Dragon Warrior switched roles and the latter did the next best thing. He brought up an emulator of Super Mario 64, booted it, and then had Mario clip out of the gaming software and into Nacho Dip's body. The glitched Mario promptly grabbed on to the owl's feet from within, and they ascended out of the body and into the night sky while the OST that played when Mario was riding an owl in the aforementioned game, er, played. "Wait NO stop this please I is of ABUSED Why is this happening IN WHAT UNIVERSE-" the owl warbled, being forced to fly away to another land.

"See you next time," Mario said, before hitting an invisible barrier and being smited by a bolt of lightning (along with the owl) produced by a Nintendo employee flying in the air and wielding a DMCA hammer. "Oof!" was Mario's last words. The employee scanned the area for the source of the illegal use of Nintendo's mascot but saw nothing. Grumbling to himself, he flew off.

Dragon Warrior threw off the Invisibility Cloak he, his comrades, and the emulator was covered in, allowing the cloak to teleport back to its owner Harry Potter. "What just happened?" Nacho Dip asked.

"I broke all known laws of physics to save you from the intangible," Dragon Warrior answered, pulling out a sandwich and smirking. He didn't eat it, instead hiding it away with him somewhere.

Elsewhere, a large man holding a minigun freaked out. "My sandwich!" he spoke in English with a Russian accent. The resulting rage was the push his team needed to protect their payload and bring it to their checkpoint.

They advanced to the Pillager Outpost. Pillagers came out and fired their crossbows at them. The teletubbies, being well versed in magic (especially Dragon Warrior), counted by firing lasers at them. They disintegrated on the spot, though in Dragon Warrior's case they took on the appearance of a Weegee clone first before being deleted from the world. In a few short moments, no pillagers remained, and the team briefly took shelter in the post.

"I'm concerned for your well-being," La Fiesta said to Dragon Warrior with a shiver. "What were those things? You never did stuff like this before, and it's creepy."

"It's entertaining," Dragon Warrior reinterpreted. Nacho Dip grumbled at this.

"Well," Lying Wink spoke up, "we made it this far. There are two ways we can get into The Pangs of Pain outpost here. One, we sneak in and come out with the sun. Two, we take no prisoners and crush them. The second option might leave us more open to retaliatation from other sects of the cult."

"Crush them," Nacho Dip said with fervent pleasure.

"Better to stay undetected," La Fiesta disagreed.

Dragon Warrior was left. He grinned. "We do need to get all the cult members rounded up later," he argued on Nacho Dip's behalf. "Storming in might be our best move. It'll draw a crowd that we can then clean up later on. We'll need to move fast, though. If any demons get attracted by all the pandemonium, this mission's a bust."

Lying Wink nodded. "Storm the outpost it is. I'll see if Noo-Noo can provide reinforcements discreetly." He went to a corner to contact him through his belly screen.

La Fiesta eyed Dragon Warrior worriedly. "But how will we even do that?" she whimpered.

Dragon Warrior grinned. "Trust me. Lying Wink's a good strategist, but I've figured out a way in myself. Noo-Noo's reinforcements will have to settle for cleanup duty."

"Guys," Lying Wink called, pointing to the sky.

A magnificent scene of Evoker Illagers on Ravagers falling from the sky under the effects of a Potion of Slow Falling descended towards them. A war horn of some sort blew, and the Evokers chanted spells. The teletubbies attempted to blast them out of the air, but to their surprise their magic was stagnant - no, stanched, with not even a spark.

"Leave your magical antennas for TV sets or something, your sorcery is blocked by ours!" cried out an Evoker with a banner in his hand. "Threefold you will pay in blood, not in silly giggles and custard, murderers! Our brethren which you have turned to dust and strange mustached abominations will be revenged!"

"Drat," Lying Wink, checking a nearby chest. "We're unarmed. These nosy men stored no weapons in here."

"Impossible!" Dragon Warrior cried out. "There's a hundred percent chance for that chest to contain a crossbo-" he stopped when his companions gave him a _What sixth sense do you possess or are you truly a foreign spirit posing as one of us?_

"Dude, this is a crossover story," the Lead Evoker _hrm_ed. "Not a game. We can open chests like you and stuff." He eyed the other teletubbies with bemused interest, studying their lost and muddled expressions. "Oooh, you three don't seem to have meta-knowledge like the rest of us commoners, hrmm?"

"I am strangely the only one of my party with the sentience to realize that I'm just a fanfiction character," Dragon Warrior said, eyes widening. "No, I'm on the other spectrum - I'm abusing that knowledge."

The Lead Evoker shrugged. "Sounds like the author is abusing a gag."

I have one regret. No, I will not tell you it, so get back to the story at hand.

By now the Illager army was nearing the top floor of the outpost. "Enough talk," the Lead Evoker yelled. "CEASE INHALING OXYGEN MOLECULES, CREEPY BABY FIENDS!"

Before he could cast a spell, though, a panda kicked him off his and he fell to the ground, surviving simply because he had Feather Falling IV boots on. "What in?" he said, before transfixing his gaze upwards in horror as his men and Ravagers were awesomely bested by a panda and his sweet kung fu moves. Their slow strikes in retaliation were effortlessly dodgeable, and even the summoned Vexes were no match. Which sowed fear into the enemy's hearts, what with their Vexes usually the ones to do that sowing.

"Feel the thunder," he whispered to one of the Illagers. He freaked out and cast a levitation spell on his Ravager, his flurry of overwhelming emotions amplifying the effects to the point where he instantly shot out of view.

"Did that nitwit Jaron just die of his own accord?" one of the others said.

"At least _that_ mission was a success," another said before rebuking himself for speaking ill of his brother like that and then actually feeling the thunder as the panda struck him down too.

The Lead Evoker was speechless at this sudden predicament. How did this come to be?

The panda landed next to him. "I surrender!" he said in perfect French and waving a handkerchief. The panda ignored him and strolled up to the teletubbies, who had conjured weapons after being freed of the spells the Illagers had cast on them. Lying Wink wielded dual katanas, Nacho Dip had sais in each hand, La Fiesta had a bo stick, and Dragon Warrior held two nunchucks.

"Which of you dares rival me, the true Dragon Warrior, in awesomeness?" he questioned. In a moment, codename Dragon Warrior was sold out by his peers. He rolled his eyes. Of course.

An engineer came into the building and started building something, diverting everyone's attention. Codename Dragon Warrior hastily threw a sandwich towards The Pangs of Pain outpost, and it hit a guard. He picked it up, confused, then decided to not question the offering from the heavens and took it.

The engineer stepped away after a while, and suddenly a bunch of people holding weapons poofed out from the created machine (it's a teleporter, okay?) and aimed at them, a large and bald Russian man in front. "WHO TOOK SANDWICH?" he yelled.

John Cena came up the outpost from the stairs, panting heavily. He took one look at the assortment of weapon-wielding… things, mumbled, "Not worth a paycheck, nope," and quietly left the building. He came back looking dazed, shaking his head when an owl emerged from his body and scolding him in the language of Pokemon (with a Gengar dialect, no less) for attempting to leave at a time like this before flying back to the Lead Evoker, perching on his shoulder. The Evoker and the teletubbies awkwardly stared at each other.

"Uh, you wouldn't know what happened to her mate, would you?" he sheepishly asked. The teletubbies stayed silent. Overhead, another crash of lightning reverberated, and they imagined for a moment that they heard an Italian Plumber screaming "Gwoh!"

Finally, Dragon Warrior stepped up after a long stalemate, dropping his nunchucks and putting his hands up to promote peace, first looking at the panda. "Okay, look here," he told him. "I did dare steal your title, I know. How about this: We're about to storm that other outpost over there, see? It's got some evil cult housing it. Beat up more weirdos than me and I'll admit your superiority. Deal?"

Po the panda saw nothing wrong with this. "Eh, sure, sounds fun. Just remember that you're about to get outdone by a _legend_, kid."

"I'm a four thousand six hundred and ninety-two and a half years old of a spirit that's currently embodying a child's body."

Po the panda's triumphant grin cracked. Suddenly he wasn't so sure of his victory.

Codename Dragon Warrior then addressed the Russian. "See that guy over there?" He pointed at the figure atop the other outpost eating a sandwich.

"SANDWICH! HEAVY WEAPONS GUY IS COMING!" The Russian roared, shooting down the vile teletubbie that took his sandwich in a heartbeat with his minigun. Dragon Warrior facepalmed as an alarm went off. Well, now they had to storm the place this instant. Luckily, the rest of the gun-wielding men already were leaving, charging towards the base in a blaze of glory. The engineer got to work building another teleport pad before running off, probably planning to build another in the other outpost. Good.

Dragon Warrior now spoke with the Lead Evoker and his remaining Illagers. "Fight with us or have your soul muted in this world." The Lead Evoker, not wanting to die, hastily agreed.

"No," John Cena said, running out of there before Dragon Warrior could even speak with him. The owl on the Lead Evoker's shoulder caught up with him and took his body, then brought him back and remaining in his body this time.

In a short while, the group used the teleport pad after it was ready and transported themselves into The Pangs of Pain outpost. Lying Wink took the lead, moving silently towards a large room where a battle was erupting.

Cult members of the Pangs of Pain, dressed in all black and blatantly ignoring any copyrights that might exist on characters resembling Sith Lords, fired blasts of despairing energy all over while summoning monstrous demons. The gun-wielding men fired back with silver bullets, disintegrating the demons and taking out a few cult teletubbies in the process. Their engineer busied himself with making turrets to shoot them down. More fanatics and monsters swarmed from everywhere, though, threatening to devour them whole.

"Charge!" Nacho Dip ordered, and into the fray came the teletubbie saviors. Lying Wink sliced through the horde, with Nacho Dip skewering any stragglers with tranquil satisfaction. La Fiesta whacked everything like a pinata with her bo stick while Dragon Warrior's nunchucks made masses scatter.

John Cena, still possessed, came beside La Fiesta. "You missed your Spanish class," he whispered before leaping towards the demons and fighting them off with his bare fists. La Fiesta fumed at him silently.

Po the Panda was having the time of his life, calling out random names for moves he made and sending enemies high into the air. "Ha! Roundhouse Kick! Fists of Fury! Belly Five! Roll of Awesomeness!" At the moment, he had taken down at least twenty and was par with his rival.

Last, but not least, the ragtag remains of the Illagers plunged in, axe-chopping and crossbow-sniping the cult members while the Evokers summoned Evoker fangs to bite at their legs and Vexes to do the dirty work. It took every fiber of their being for The Pangs of Pain to not succumb to the onslaught. But the scales were about to be tipped.

In came an elite cult member, holding five cards in his hand. He placed them down on the ground and started chanting. Dragon Warrior, the closest to him, ran over and tried to stop him, but it was too late: out of the ground, a legendary and infamous demonic entity rose from the ground, grinning at the speechless teletubbie.

"EXODIA, I SUMMON YOU!" cried out the elite cult member. Exodia the Forbidden One roared.

"Wha- how?!" Dragon Warrior said in astonishment. "That's not possible! You don't even have any Millenium Items to do that!"

"The Forbidden One has no limits!" the cultist sneered.

Dragon Warrior hissed through clenched teeth. "Fool," he retorted, conjuring the Millenium Key to the elite's shock. "Any duelist knows that Exodia guarantees you to win a Duel, but not a Match! There are two more duels left." In his hand, a deck appeared, which he shuffled in rapid motion before drawing five cards at once and revealing the five cards that made up Exodia. Another Exodia the Forbidden One appeared, dragging the cultist's Exodia into the ground. The opposing Exodia tried to escape, blasting Dragon Warrior's Exodia, who responded likewise. Both crumbled to dust.

"No!" the elite cultist screamed.

"And now round three." Dragon Warrior again shuffled his deck and then drew another five cards, revealed another full set of Exodia. "Hmm. What luck! I'd be awesome at poker." A new Exodia emerged, snarling at the terrified cultist.

"Cheater!" he accused.

Po revealed his entire deck using magic to hold them in the air. All the other cards were fake "No U" cards. The cultist collapsed to the ground, gazing in absolute submission and depression at Exodia the Forbidden One. "This cannot be!" he said. "How?"

"THE FORBIDDEN ONE HAS NO LIMITS!" Dragon Warrior yelled.

Exodia gave the cultist the Wuxi Finger hold. "Skadoosh," he rasped, and whoosh! No more cultist. And a miffed Po the Panda. Was everyone out to steal his thunder?

Noo-Noo came in through the front door, moved to the side and left through a wall, then broke in through a nearby window. "Clean up on aisle six hundred and sixty six!" he announced as a group of ghost officers, a metal man with a scarecrow and a lion (not to mention Dorothy the witch), National Parade Day volunteers, and Jevil piled in and almost drained the outpost of their oxygen supply by plugging in all the entrances.

"Greetings, chaos brethren," Jevil said to Dragon Warrior, who nodded in return.

"What took you so long?" La Fiesta asked.

"Trivago doesn't recognize this location, you should use Tripadvisor," the possessed John Cena said before coughing up an owl. John Cena took in the fiery scene and knocked himself out. This _really _wasn't worth a paycheck.

Within a moment all of the cultists in the outposts (and later those from elsewhere) surrendered, returning the sun to them before migrating to Tatooine on their mechanical horses. (A fun fact: Genghis Khan actually bought those from them after traveling to the day this story occurred. Yes, they're time travelers, and yes, the cultists did make those mechanical horses - shame they couldn't use it inside their outpost.) The sun giggled, bringing back the light to all of Teletubbie Land. The demons writhed and perished, their reign of terror coming to an end just like the Pangs of Pain. Peace and naivety returned as the teletubbies and the trauma they incurred were erased from their minds by Noo-Noo before celebrating National Parade Day.

The four teletubbie spirits returned to Noo-Noo's secret base, where they celebrated a little. Dragon Warrior and Po the panda compared the number of opponents they defeated, with the panda somehow having half a crushed opponent more to his name. Dragon Warrior relinquished his name, changing it to Chinese Warrior. He then checked Jevil's mind using the Millennium Key only to immediately come back to himself drenched in sweat. He gave the key to Heavy-Weapons-Guy before deciding that now was a good time to retire to the spirit world.

"Well, you four are still a pain in the hose, but you always come through," Noo-Noo praised, holding the laser pen that brought the spirits to the corporeal world in the first place.

"Whatever will keep our kin in peace," Lying Wink said. "Give the original souls of these bodies we possess our greetings." Noo-Noo nodded. The laser pen shined its light.

And so the spirits returned, content that their descendants would live on in prosperity and unadulterated joy.

In Tatooine, a Pangs of Pain elite member met up with General Grievous, Genghis Khan, an Evoker elite, and Voldermort himself.

"Look now," the cultist said. "You are some of the most ruthless men of all time, or in command of such men. I am looking for people like you all over the multiverse - beings who wish for destruction against our common enemies. Will you aid us in this?"

"I bend my authority to no Muggle," Voldermort hissed. General Grievous spoke in a likewise manner.

"Nay, I ask for a collaboration. A group that will serve each other like one body." He brought out five familiar cards. "Though I could simply use The Forbidden One against you if necessary."

"Hm. Ah, fine," Voldermort consented, unfazed by the threat. The others complied.

The evil teletubbie cackled. All according to plan.


End file.
